This is a really hard post to write because it’s something so deeply personal. But I know I’m not the only one.
Do you know what it’s like to try and teach when you are depressed?
I don’t know exactly when it started but it has consumed me for at least the past three months at least.
Every day I dreaded going into work and to try and teach anything took everything out of me. I had to be a disciplinarian without going overboard, smile even though it hurt, listen when I didn’t even want to hear anything.
My brain was a jumbled mess. I cried when my middle school students were rude (which is kind of ridiculous since they’re middle school….they’re always rude). I got home and just curled up in bed not because I was tired from work…I was tired from life.
When I looked in the mirror, I was hollow. There wasn’t fire in my eyes. There wasn’t hope or love in me. I was so stressed out and hurt to feel anything else. There was a hundred pound weight on my chest so it hurt to breathe.
I know that part of it was work that stressed me out, but mostly it was the suffocating I was feeling from my relationship. My exboyfriend was in short, a tool. He was rude, mean, angry, a bad person, controlling…mentally and emotionally abusive. He consumed all that was good in me and I let him. How stupid I was.
When I found out that the guy I so deeply loved and let change me, was cheating on me, I collapsed. It was a whole new crushing blow to my heart. And the next day I had to go teach. That was hands down, the hardest day of my life. I couldn’t cry openly because that’s so unprofessional. My voice was hoarse from crying all night.
The process of breaking up was made worse by my ex who wouldn’t let me move on for weeks. I had to block his number because he wanted to continue to control me. But, after I stopped crying and I just felt the moment, I realized that I had been suffocating and I was finally free.
It was the most liberating feeling. One that I had forgotten. I forgot what it was like to not be under someone’s thumb. I was me again.
Since that moment, I’ve been rediscovering me. The me that is happy. The me that is joyful. Laughing. Smiling. Bright. Energetic. Bubbly. Loving. Kind.
I have reconnected with friends that he made me get rid of. I am singing showtunes and Disney songs all the time again. I’m dancing in the rain. I’m reading again. I’m falling back in love with life and myself and my God. All these things that were snuffed out because I fell in love with an abusive man.
This man never hit me, but he did make me someone I wasn’t. I am on a journey to forgive myself for allowing myself to get to that point. He brought all my feelings of insecurities that helped shuttle me into a deep depression.
I am so thankful for the people that have loved me through this. I’m luckier than most in my situation. I did lose friends who weren’t patient with me and I am so deeply sorry that I pushed them away. However, my family and friends that have supported me and loved me in every way possible, they’re even more amazing than before. Our bond is stronger. I am surviving this. I am waking up smiling. And I’m teaching with joy once again.
This really is the most personal thing I have ever written. I know I am not alone…I am one of many. I am here to listen to anyone that needs it.