Late Night Thinking

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I’m up late tonight (very late for a teacher).  I’m not up late for good things, but honestly my brain can’t (or won’t) shut off.  The past few weeks have been so hard.  I see all my teacher friends posting about testing and the end of the year approaching.  But I wonder.  Does the world actually know what and who a teacher is?  Do you know?

My brain is constantly turning anyways, but tonight, all I’m thinking about is my students.  They don’t leave the teacher just because the teacher leaves work.  That school comes home with us, whether we like it or not.  Whether we work our tails off to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I’m not a mom or a wife or a girlfriend.  Yet.  I can’t imagine how any teacher who isn’t single, function.  I don’t have much left after the work day is over.  I don’t have enough for my own friends.  Let alone a man or a child at home.

I think about my students and what’s going on in their lives whether they spoke it or not.  It’s a blessing and a curse.  I care greatly, but that is also my downfall.  But I know I’m not alone.  I have a close friend who is a 5th grade teacher.  Do you know what we talk about when we talk?  Teaching.  Testing.  Students.  Education.  I’ve also talked to her when she hasn’t left her classroom until 7:00 at night.  Her school gets out at 3:30.

I’ve started a piece of paperwork for school a half an hour after I was supposed to leave.  I’ve been stuck in a classroom with the same students for hours because of testing, codes, weather warnings.

There really is no order to this post because my brain is not in order.  My brain is mush as I lay here wide awake, knowing that tomorrow, my students will be waiting for me.  They are going to be ready to ask me questions (on topic or not).  Their eyes are going to search me to see if I really care, even though I’ve proved it over and over again.

I hear people say to me that teachers are important, should get paid more, blah blah blah.  You know what the sad part is?  Besides the fact that’s it true.  Our society does NOT value teachers the way they should.  You know how I know that to be true?  Well, first off, I am a teacher.  Second off, look at how teachers are treated.  We are judged by our students ability to take a test.  We are always the ones wrong when a child fails something.

Everyone agrees that teachers are important but NO ONE is doing anything to make a difference.  Still business men (and women) and politicians are forcing these ridiculous standards and assessments down our throats in order to make more money.  That doesn’t go to the schools.  It goes in their pockets.

Now some of you may say, well teachers need to stand up for themselves.  My question to you, with what time?  For those teachers who don’t work year round (unlike me), their summers are barely summers.  Let’s remember, doctor visits, times with family, trainings, professional development, packing and unpacking classrooms, everything has to be done in that time frame.  It doesn’t add up.

Oh and if we protest?  Who’s going to teach your children?  Who is going to shape their minds?  Who’s going to help them become who they are supposed to be????  I ask you, who but teachers can do this for our world?

I recently read something about how teachers are treated with honor and respect in other countries.  I challenge you to ask yourself, does your country?  Does your state?  Does your community?  Do you?

I ask and I write this because I need this off my chest.  I’m tired.  So very tired.  But tomorrow, I will put that smile on my face.  I will say good morning to every one of my students and call them pretty girl and sweetie, because they need that.  They need to know that someone cares about them.

Teaching is my passion.  My calling.  I am so beyond grateful and blessed to be a teacher but it’s hard.  It’s draining.  I have accepted that certain things are beyond my control when it comes to my life being pretty dull outside of work.  But I want to hear from teachers, from people about your thoughts on teaching.  Your thoughts on teachers.  Yes, we are not perfect.  We are by no means perfect.  But we care about your children.  Can you care about us?

2-5

walking-away

This past week I turned the big 2-5.  Twenty-five.  The age where you can legally rent a car, where you are closer to being 30 than being 20, and when you car insurance goes down because suddenly you are enough of a “grown-up”.

What a load of crap.

I think I may feel more lost at 25 than I was at 19.

At 19, I didn’t have the same pressures and fears that I have now.  Now, every day I expect a new friend to get engaged or announce they’re pregnant.

Pregnancies are happening like they are going out of style.  No less than five announcements in the past two weeks.

My heart is so happy for them, but it is also aching for the day when that will be me.  (This might be the most honest post of my life)

I long and desire for love.  I want to be a mom.

It is and always has been my desire.  Instead, I’ve been given the curse blessing of singleness.

It is a blessing.  I have to keep reminding myself about that.

God is reminding me daily of this blessing.  I get frustrated about my job that can sometimes be thankless, so hard, and just plain ole tiring.  But then God reminds me of the verse from Matthew.

Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

How that makes me feel bad about ever being frustrated.  I know that what I’m doing is storing my treasures up in Heaven.  I am doing good things, even if I don’t get paid a lot.  I am tired for good reasons.

When it comes to singleness, I keep having to remind myself of Ecclesiastes 3.

For everything there is a season

I’m going to let these words permeate my soul.  That’s the only thing I can do.  I have a God who loves me and knows what I desire, and in His timing, I will get it.